Junk Food Review: Orange Cupcake

What, you didn’t know they made these?

I normally pack a decent sized bag full of food to take with me to work. I include one vegetable item, like a salad, a main course, a fruit, and something sweet. This fills up all three breaks and covers all the bases of what I could want. I always tell myself that I’ll be happy with this, but that is a lie. I will not be happy with what’s in my lunch bag. Why?  Because there are vending machines in the break room.

I can go to work with the best of intentions to only eat healthy nutritious things and drink only water or Gatorade, but then I see those vending machines, which now also take debit, damn them. I mostly hate Hostess or Little Debbie type desserts, but when I’m at work, I just crave this shit.

Last summer I found something new in those devil boxes, Orange Cupcakes. I normally only go for the chocolate Zingers, but there was something about the idea of Orange Cupcakes that called to me. I bit the bullet and spent a dollar on them. I sat down, opened them up. The frosting cap on them is a bright, pleasant, light orange. It reminds me of fresh squeezed Valencia orange juice. The white curls of frosting on top added a element of cuteness that really puts the mind at ease. I cautiously ate one.

I bought another pack a few days later. I still wasn’t sure what I thought of them, but yet there I was spending another dollar. That night a friend of mine from my summers on first shift pulled a double. Since he was spending the night working second, I told him that there was a left over Orange Cupcake in my lunch bag and he was welcome to it if he wanted it. I knew he’d be able to find it since my lunch bag has a huge Virgin of Guadalupe on it (Yes, I’m a Mexican). He helped himself to it on one of his breaks, and when he came back out I had to stop him and asked him what he thought of the mysterious treat.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It was kind of weird.”

Yesterday I bought another pack of Orange Cupcakes. I sat in the break room and quietly ate them while I finished reading Perdido Street Station. Why do I keep doing this? Because I can’t tell whether I like them or not. I really, really can’t. I sit there, and take a bit of them, and they taste like orange and vanilla and dry sponges.

A quick break down. The top is covered in orange flavored frosting. The frosting is sugary and dry and kind of grainy. The cake itself is dry yet oily,  your basic Hostess cake. The frosting in the middle is glossy and thick. And when I say glossy, I mean the the stuff glistens. And when I say thick, I mean it’s kind of like caulk. When you add it all together, it’s just confusing. It doesn’t taste bad…it’s just…weird. They’re just really fucking weird and yet I get excited every time I see them pressed against that metal coil in the front of the vending machine.  Try one, and let me know if they’re good or not because I still don’t have an answer.

Grade: B or F I really don’t know.


  1. #1 by Phillip on July 7, 2011 - 11:20 PM

    I’d have to concur. I remember eating them a couple times and not really knowing what to make of them either. You know that they’re supposed to be orange-ish tasting, but to me it was really sweet fake orange tasting.

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