I’ve been quiet for a while, but that’s kind of the way these things go for me. I know I put up a post that worried at least the Joshy, and I’m sorry. I’ve just been in a not so good place for a while now. I think I’ve been there longer than I’m aware of, but me, myself, and I don’t really talk much. I fee like the longer I can keep myself from thinking about something, the longer I can lie about it not being a problem. This is not a good way to go through life, and I totally know that, but that does make it any easier to come clean about a lot of things to myself.
I never wanted this blog to turn out to be a place where I end up whining like a 16 year old hipster girl, but right now, it’s kind of come down to that. In November I turned 26. I still lack a college degree, and every semester I find some way to shot myself in the foot one more time. I use to think that I just didn’t want to graduate, but it’s not that. I really want to move on with my life. I’ve been watching the rest of you go out into the world and make something of your life. You’re all going to be something even if it’s just a gardener. At least that’s a job that I don’t have. I would love to be a real archaeologist some day, but I think I’ve been earning a degree in bridge burning instead (by the way, bridges can be very pretty when they burn).
The truth is, I’m really just fit to be a 1700’s era house wife. There’s really a small market for that these days. I’m not really into the fundamentalist communal living thing due to their lack of high speed internet connections, so I’m not really sure what kind of employment options that leaves me with. I’m thinking Old World Wisconsin doesn’t really pay a living wage either.
On the upside, Chad has been working his wonders and supplying me with music. This means that I’ve been able to put aside Dashboard Confessionals and pick up Straylight Run as my “I’m depressed” music. Being named after part of Neuromancer makes up for any kind of emo feelings the band my put out, and there’s something about the lyrics that really resonate with me. I won’t say that they are fantastically awesome (even though I really think they are) because I know most people find my music tastes to be quite terrible. That being said, they’re fantastically awesome. They offer a varied selection of moods and tempos as well as two lead vocalists. They’re music ranges from soft and haunting to quick and harsh. Most importantly, for me, the lyrics are well thought out and composed. While a lot of people are willing to settle with a good sound, I need interesting lyrics with a good dose of passion to keep me coming back to a band. Straylight Run delivers on this front. I can put their albums on again and again because I can always find something new in the lyrics; there’s always a new layer for me to delve to if I’m willing.
In particular, “For the Best” has been hitting me pretty hard. It sums up a lot of how I feel about my position in life. It isn’t the only track that does so, but it’s the one that does it the most succinctly.
And it takes more time than I’ve ever had,
drains the life from me, makes me want to forget.
As young as I was, I felt older back then,
more disciplined, stronger and certain.
But I was scared to death of eternity,
I was saved by grace but destroyed by naivety,
and I lied to myself and said it was for the best.
So now faith is replaced with logic so cold,
I’ve disregarded what I was now that I’m older.
And I know much more then I did back then,
but the more I learn the more I can’t understand.
And I’ve become content with this life that I lead,
where I drink to much and don’t believe in much of anything.
And I lie to myself, and say its for the best.
Were moving forward but holding ourselves back, and were waiting on something that will never come…
Were moving forward but holding ourselves back, and were waiting on something that will never come
Were moving forward but holding ourselves back, and were waiting on something that will never come (And i lie to myself, and say its for the best)
I really do feel that I was better off five years ago in some ways. I started college for the second time, and I knew that everything was going to be okay. I was going to graduate and I was going to make something of my life. There was never a time in my life where I doubted my ability to get a doctorate. I always knew that I was going to go to college and graduate with honors no less. What’s worse is that everyone believed in me. They knew I was going to achieve anything I wanted. Now, none of that is going to happen. I let them all down, and I have self doubt. I have more self doubt than I do confidence, and that just leads to more and bigger mistakes that I don’t know how to deal with. It’s a perpetual cycle, and I’m not really sure what I can do to stop it. In the end, I can tell you about it until the heat death of the universe, but it’s all on me. I’m the only one who can fix my mistakes, but I don’t even know where to start.