Sorry for being such a jerk

I’ve been acting like an ass the last few weeks.  I’m really sorry.  You guys are awesome and I’m glad to have friends like you.

  1. #1 by Chadwick on December 31, 2010 - 9:52 AM

    It’s cool. When it feels like life’s own deadlines are coming down, the pressure can be rough.

  2. #2 by Joshua on December 31, 2010 - 10:01 AM

    It’s a bit of an odd situation. What I need most is someone to hold me and tell me that everything’s going to be okay. But whoever does that gets the displeasure of me becoming super-clingy on them out of sheer gratitude. And I don’t wish that on anybody.

    So I’ve been trying to “get social” in other directions, with people I don’t know. I’m constantly wrestling with the idea that you guys really are my best friends but you’re not the best thing for my mental health. I need friends. Good friends like you guys. But right now, I’m so broken that I can’t be a good friend to anyone. So when things go wrong for you guys and I try to help (because I care about you people), I just get crazier. Me asking if you and Christa wanted company was as much for my benefit (because hearing about a friend in trouble really hurts) as it was genuine concern for her.

    So yeah, that’s the long and short of it. I’m really sorry if I say hurtful things. I don’t mean them. I’m just very confused and lonely.

    • #3 by Joshua on December 31, 2010 - 10:05 AM

      And yeah – it sucks to be 100% right-left brain balance. I’m as creative as I am analytical. That messes with things a bit. Not the least of which being gender balance – I’m 60-40 (60% male, 40% female) in terms of personality (90-10 in terms of sexuality). Girls don’t want sensitive, girly guys, so that 40% female personality really sucks ass. Especially since up until a few weeks ago, I didn’t have the empathy or emotional intelligence to actually deal with that effectively so I’ve been ignoring it for years. I really don’t know why I picked now for all of this to reach boiling point.

      • #4 by Joshua on December 31, 2010 - 10:32 AM

        And throw Asperger’s and General Anxiety Disorder in the mix… Thankfully I averted the diagnosis of Attachment Disorder because I AM capable of forming healthy relationships (even if I’m prone to clinginess).

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