Date: Mon, 20 Dec 10 09:02:16 -0500 From: Internet Oracle <firstname.lastname@example.org> Subject: Internet Oracularity #1474-05 Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <email@example.com> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:
> Orrie, ya gotta help me again. I know that last time wasn't no help but > that's becuz I was tooo late. > > I way sposed to write a paper describing the uvula for biology class, > and (wise-guy that I am) I wrote up about the vulva instead and the > teacher said take it back and do it right. So I wrote up about the > vuvloozoolula, that awwwful African football horn and handed it in, out > of spite. He's not started to read it yet. He just locked it in his > briefcase. > > Now I've thought better of it, and I want to break into the biology > teacher's office and steal the paper back and replace it with a good > one. We gotta hurry, though. Here's what I need: > > 1. The combination to the security lock on his office door. > > 2. Same for his briefcase. > > 3. A paper about the uvula. > > And don't give me none of that crap about the cure worse than the > disease or out of the frying pan into the fire like you did last time. > You are so SOOPER-DOOPER SMART you can see how to get me out of every > kind of difficulty, no matter what. > > I'd grovel more but I'm out of time. Besides, I'm lousy at so many > things, and that includes grovelling. Not like you and your > magnificence.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ] look } } THE HALL BEFORE THE PROFESSOR'S OFFICE } Blood from the army of secretaries you defeated seep in from the north } and to the south lies a simple unassuming door upon which a plaque } states that this is the office of Dr. C. Ache. } } ] open door } } it won't budge, you must enter the combination } } ] inventory } } You are carrying: } a small rubber hose } a hunting knife } a piece of paper } } ] examine paper } } it says "56 - 54 - 51" } } ] enter combo } } you cannot enter combo } } ] examine door } } it's a common wood door with a plaque on it } } *thirty lines of grammatical ambiguity later* } } ] change combination to 56 - 54 - 51 } } The lock clicks and the door slides open. } } ] south } } THE ACTUAL OFFICE } Dr. C Aches' office is straight out of the seventies with wood } panelling decorating every wall. A desk sits in the centre. } } ] search desk } } You find nothing of interest } suddenly the door re-opens and the professor stands before you. } } ] examine professor } } He is carrying a black briefcase. } } ] take briefcase } } he puts up a struggle } } ] kill the professor } } with what? } } ] kill professor with knife } } you cut out a piece of C. Ache } } ] take briefcase } } taken. } } ] open case } } @ z-machine error, resorting to most likely value for BOOL::LOCKED } it's already open. } } ] search briefcase } } you find your paper. } } ] take paper } } you already have the piece of paper } } *thirty more lines of grammatical ambiguity later* } } ] xyzzy } } Suddenly a being from the fourth dimension appears to grant you one } wish. What will it be? } } ] request paper on uvulas } } the being requires matter in order to transmute a paper on uvulas } } ] offer piece of paper } } that isn't enough } } ] offer piece of C. Ache } } A glowing mass of light explodes in the office as the divine } transformation occurs. When the light subsides the essay lies on the } desk. } } ] take essay. } } taken, boy was that a piece of cake } } ] give to professor } } he takes it happily in his state of shock. } } *** YOU HAVE ONE *** } } You have earned 143 points out of a possible 158, giving you a rank of } "down to the wire" } --- } } you owe the oracle an infocom game from this century that doesn't suck