Thus Speaketh The Oracle

No, not that Oracle.  This one actually solves problems rather than creating them.  (see rec.humor.oracle)

Date: Mon, 20 Dec 10 09:02:16 -0500
From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Internet Oracularity #1474-05

Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Orrie, ya gotta help me again. I know that last time wasn't no help but
> that's becuz I was tooo late.
>
> I way sposed to write a paper describing the uvula for biology class,
> and (wise-guy that I am) I wrote up about the vulva instead and the
> teacher said take it back and do it right. So I wrote up about the
> vuvloozoolula, that awwwful African football horn and handed it in, out
> of spite. He's not started to read it yet. He just locked it in his
> briefcase.
>
> Now I've thought better of it, and I want to break into the biology
> teacher's office and steal the paper back and replace it with a good
> one. We gotta hurry, though. Here's what I need:
>
> 1. The combination to the security lock on his office door.
>
> 2. Same for his briefcase.
>
> 3. A paper about the uvula.
>
> And don't give me none of that crap about the cure worse than the
> disease or out of the frying pan into the fire like you did last time.
> You are so SOOPER-DOOPER SMART you can see how to get me out of every
> kind of difficulty, no matter what.
>
> I'd grovel more but I'm out of time. Besides, I'm lousy at so many
> things, and that includes grovelling. Not like you and your
> magnificence.
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ] look
}
} THE HALL BEFORE THE PROFESSOR'S OFFICE
} Blood from the army of secretaries you defeated seep in from the north
} and to the south lies a simple unassuming door upon which a plaque
} states that this is the office of Dr. C. Ache.
}
} ] open door
}
} it won't budge, you must enter the combination
}
} ] inventory
}
} You are carrying:
}      a small rubber hose
}      a hunting knife
}      a piece of paper
}
} ] examine paper
}
} it says "56 - 54 - 51"
}
} ] enter combo
}
} you cannot enter combo
}
} ] examine door
}
} it's a common wood door with a plaque on it
}
} *thirty lines of grammatical ambiguity later*
}
} ] change combination to 56 - 54 - 51
}
} The lock clicks and the door slides open.
}
} ] south
}
} THE ACTUAL OFFICE
} Dr. C Aches' office is straight out of the seventies with wood
} panelling decorating every wall. A desk sits in the centre.
}
} ] search desk
}
} You find nothing of interest
} suddenly the door re-opens and the professor stands before you.
}
} ] examine professor
}
} He is carrying a black briefcase.
}
} ] take briefcase
}
} he puts up a struggle
}
} ] kill the professor
}
} with what?
}
} ] kill professor with knife
}
} you cut out a piece of C. Ache
}
} ] take briefcase
}
} taken.
}
} ] open case
}
} @ z-machine error, resorting to most likely value for BOOL::LOCKED
} it's already open.
}
} ] search briefcase
}
} you find your paper.
}
} ] take paper
}
} you already have the piece of paper
}
} *thirty more lines of grammatical ambiguity later*
}
} ] xyzzy
}
} Suddenly a being from the fourth dimension appears to grant you one
} wish. What will it be?
}
} ] request paper on uvulas
}
} the being requires matter in order to transmute a paper on uvulas
}
} ] offer piece of paper
}
} that isn't enough
}
} ] offer piece of C. Ache
}
} A glowing mass of light explodes in the office as the divine
} transformation occurs. When the light subsides the essay lies on the
} desk.
}
} ] take essay.
}
} taken, boy was that a piece of cake
}
} ] give to professor
}
} he takes it happily in his state of shock.
}
} *** YOU HAVE ONE ***
}
} You have earned 143 points out of a possible 158, giving you a rank of
} "down to the wire"
} ---
}
} you owe the oracle an infocom game from this century that doesn't suck
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