The Complete Douchebag’s Guide to Tanking

Have a tank character?  Want to piss people off and generally be a douchebag?  Then follow these easy steps to become the greatest possible threat to your teammates!

1.  Never discuss strategy with your teammates.

In fact, the less you say, the better.  If you announce what your battle plans are, your teammates might be able to assist you!

2.  Never listen to anything anyone says.

They’re not tanks – you are.  Therefore, you don’t have to listen to them at all.  Ever.  You’re better than they are.  They’re just jealous that they aren’t tanks!

3.  Always keep fighting.

Whew!  You just tore through a mass of 30 Elite mobs!  Your team is wiped out and needs to recharge.  But you dont!  You’re a tank – they have to support YOU!  Why should they get a break?  You fight when YOU want to – don’t let the petty damage-dealers tell you want to do.

4.  Get as much aggro as possible.

Grab a boss or two while you’re at it.  You’re sure to cause a wipe then!

6.  Refuse to run back to the instance when you die.

Why should you have to walk?  You’re above that!  Just wait for the healer to res you.  And then charge into battle with low health and no buffs and dump all the aggro on the healer when you die.  They simply adore trying to fight off monsters with nothing but cloth armor to wear.

7.  If you absolutely have to say something, say something negative.

If the silent thing isn’t for you, then please take the opportunity to insult your teammates and blame them for your constant failure and lack of foresight.  The more juvenile the insults, the more effective they are.

Follow these seven easy steps and you’ll be kicked from the group in no time!  And with you gone, they’re sure never to find another tank again.  They’ll be sorry because they depend on YOU to get them through those evil, twisty dungeons.

In case you couldn’t tell, I just got out of a very bad run.  We were running the Magister’s Terrace where the mobs are all 71 and up.  The tank was a 68 DK who did all the things above.  She wasn’t even specced for tanking.  I left after about the 20th wipe.
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